Starting Afresh

2014 ended badly and 2015 didn’t start well either.

Is 7 March and i lost my dad due to the battle with cancer.

10 years ago, i lost my mum due to cancer, and now, dad decided to follow. Somehow i feel that both of them are fated to be together and experience the same life in just a matter of time.

is been 1 week after dad’s departure. Trying our very best to lead normal life and ease back to the way it used to be.

Work have been very stress and full of agony. For the fact that i couldn’t “Let it go” i am holding on to grievances. Still taking time to sort out the painful thoughts and steering back to normal.

Sometimes i question myself, am i really stronger or am i just a stronger pretender who is more capable to hide my emotions?

I don’t know. But life just have to go on

Cinderella story #4

Looks like there is no turning back and we do not need to continue with this show that we have faked for the longest time. We finally went into a showdown and tearing the house apart. I decided to fight back and I will make her regret for everything she has ever did to me.

Evilness doesn’t seems to have a limit in her eyes. Her heart is as evil as she is and I don’t want to be part of her torture.

Since she enjoy drawing line, so be it. I guess we won’t have to be a family anymore

Because I no longer see her as a family anymore….

Getting u out of my life is one of the greatest thing I can do for mankind

To be thankful for

Is been a tiring and worrying week. Dad got admitted to the hospital last monday and hospital became my 3rd home despite my own and the office which i call it the 2nd. 

Boyfriend had been pretty understanding and caring fetching us around and been really nice keeping us company. Nothing more that i could ask for, perhaps aligning our values is what we need to work towards to. 

Being Positive is the key message now, i need to be strong. Everyday i tell myself to stay well and be strong. How many percent actually came true is not the result i am looking for. I just need to be Strong. Seeking comfort in everything i can find is how i make myself continue to be Strong. The saddening part would be, he doesn’t quite understand that and keep dwelling in his own financial problem. If only i had only financial to worry about then a life and death issue over here. I lost enough to come to realise that money is not everything. Sometimes we need to be in each other shoes to really learn and appreciate life. Is so difficult to be enlighten just by looking and not feeling it.

it takes a lot of courage to be the one going through what i am going through right now. Everyday is a struggle and batting between my everyday decisions is such a nightmare. 

If only i could stop faking a smile…

The unbalance week

Is been a unbalance week with some of my days being very free which i spent a quarter of the time walking around and wasting time and the rest of the time being busy like today. 

Had a really bad day today because of the unpleasant client which i still feel undeserved for. Anyway after the moment, i didn’t feel that angry anymore, i just couldn’t understand his actions. I guess everything just wasn’t right to begin with in the first place. I wish i was in yesterday. Sometimes being out of office did give me a break of routine. But the nightmare after is scary. 

As usual, we had a little fun with some jokes. And i guess that was the reason why i stayed (till now). As for the future, i am not pinning much hope. Perhaps another 1 year more then i would think is time. Getting out of the comfort zone is always difficult. I admire those that have the courage to. 

Gonna take a good rest this weekend with a lot of ‘me’ time. 

Looking forward to a beautiful day tomorrow 

You are what you think you are

Someone said this to me 时间就是生命. This is true because if god didn’t give us time to repent our mistakes, we probably will not catch the next breathe and our time might be up to bid goodbye. 

Tonight we had a short discussion on time allocation. I am someone very time sensitive and i hardly give in to life. Ocassionally when i fall i give in, but i promise to stand up and continue to fight. How about you? Everyone have their own different learning path, nothing wrong with being fortunate, but being fortunate doesn’t mean you have no rooms to improve and learn.

生活很长，生命太短，但千万别把自己也遗忘。

每个人都可以在自己的领域发光发热，不要看不起自己。

The mind is everything. What you think, you become. — Buddha

Is a Midnight thought

The only reason why this blog is getting active, is only because this is the only space i am left with. Is quite pathetic for someone with so many friends and a boyfriend to resort to this. But i think is ok, only because is time to pay back and do others a favour too 🙂 

Many times when i meet my friends, i filtered out the unhappiness and only share the happy moment. As for the boyfriend who we share a future with, i guess he is overloaded with his own set of problems and i doubt he have time to hear me. I tried being that listening ears but most of the time i think i am just someone with no good patience. I jump on his words too fast and because it was a phone conversation, it leave me no chance to observe the behaviour of the person i am talking to. I am a visual person and i can pick up the body language so if is just a phone call, please bear with me. 

Everyday i listen to people complaining and i wonder if that will numb myself with my own set of problems? Sometimes it even make me feel that i am fortunate with just that little problem i had compare to the rest. But at least for them, they found someone to share (which is me), but how many of them are actually like me with no one to talk to. Mainly because i am too tired to share, too afraid to share or no chance to share. 

Besides work problem, there is just too many component in my life under the category of unhappiness and each of them are also classified in the category of “Important”. So question now is, “which one first?” 

Often when i needed someone to talk to, i got carried away by them, making me seemed small and little to even share about my problem. Fact is, i am not aways as happy as you see on the surface. I just learned to contain. Still learning but what else can i do besides that. I don’t think anyone would ever understand me and i don’t need anyone to do that. 

Tonight is a good night for me to reflect. Though i didn’t do much for the stuff i brought back, but at least i get to let these out on this little secret blog that i secretly own. 

Who still believe that things will get better over time? – I do, because i don’t have another better option.

Cinderella Story #3

One of my friend actually told me, she realised her blog is a platform for her to record all her unhappiness. I agree and disagree because sometimes i made a point to record down happy moment too. Although the chances are lower then recording an unfortunate event. But well…

I had a thought through these few days. Every year i want myself to be better to myself. But recently, there is a shift in priority. My dad and his life becomes my priority. “About me” will have to wait, though my well-being is still important, but compare to life and death, i strongly believe i can wait. A friend of mine recently texted me and he said “As daughters, let’s not leave any regrets down in life. No use doing anything or being sad when people are not around” this line didn’t just teach me to cherish, it also serve as a reminder to me to move on after the death of my mum 9 years ago. 

As much as i can sacrifice, i hope to be there for him and make him happy. I will do whatever it takes to cherish the moment. Be it 2 years, 5 years, 10 years or 20 years, i will not drop him down my priority list. 

Talking about Dad’s love, we manage to say goodbye to our 20 years old bed. You did serve us well but is time to say goodbye after the crack and fall. Dad bought us a new bed on our trip to Defu Funiture after sis 22 birthday dinner. Thanks to my lovely boyfriend who drove us there. My dad say i bully him because i always ask him to fetch me around and help on certain things in the house. HAHA, but i guess he forgot this man is gonna be his future son in law and thats just part of filial piety (me and my own excuses). 

Anyway, evil witch was away for the weekend so the country was peaceful and 3 of us are generally (in fact VERY) happy 🙂 no argument, no fighting. I would say, i love this peacefulness. But too bad, it only lasted a day. 

Cheers to more peaceful days…

Cinderella story #2

I can’t remember if I mention anything about having a evil step mum in my previous post. But here’s another one about this Cinderella life that I am going through. Most of the time I just feel like I was going through the motion and falls in her hands of this tormenting game.

Anyway, I hate the way she have to always argue back to my dad on what ever things he said. Yes sometimes I do argue with my dad, but knowing that he is sick, why couldn’t she be more sensitive? She is always complaining as if we were the big bully in the house. But whose the bully when she practically don’t need to do anything in the house and ignorantly thought she is the queen. Come on, good days are long over. I think people at her age should just wake up her ideas instead of slamming on the doors and taking it out on things.

One of the incident today was, she broke something in the kitchen and when I heard the loud sound, I ran over and asked her what happened? She ignore me and gave me the attitude like she can’t be bothered. She is terrible and her attitude sucks. By the way this is just an understatement of how bad she is. I am probably under estimating the fact that she wanted to inherited my dad’s assets. Not that we have much to begin with. But some woman are just atrocious.

If one day I found a genie in the bottle who grant me 3 wishes, my very first would be having her OUT of MY LIFE. Easier said then done. Is almost impossible for us to mend this relationship unless I owns a million and she probably will suck my toe for the benefit of money. She is so money minded and she will do things for money.

That’s Cinderella for now.

A Valentine’s day post

Everything started with a bad week and a bad work day on Valentine’s day.

We didn’t plan for any celebrations and everything was base on intuition with the permission of time as we are having extended working hours due to job demand. 

And since everything is base on “feel”, we decided to have dinner at Roma Deli since i have always like the mushroom soup. 

Here’s the Spagatti we ate. The surprise part was not about the food but the 2 little folder heart at the corner of the pictures. I didn’t have roses like what the typical valentine’s day offer, but i get hand made hearts from my dearest. 

Moving on, we pop over to the cinema to purchase our tickets for tomorrow Long waited LEGO movie 🙂 

Here’s another round of “By Feel” – we decided to pop by this lovely place to chill out.

爱琴海 – a place for the music goers. It was so packed with couples but we were lucky to get the last table. 

All the songs they sang are of course in line with the sweet and romantic occasion. 

Remember the 2 little folder heart that i was talking about? Now this is the real part, he show me all the little heart that he have made which adds up to 24 and the meaning of it. 

 

The entire table is filled with the little folded heart which is my replacement of the standard roses 🙂

As part of the valentine’s day package, there is a couple photo to be taken

 

Thou the lighting wasn’t so good for the photo taking, but we still love the music and the sweet drinks 🙂

Thank you love for making my life wonderful and looking forward to many more valentine’s day. 

 

A stupid drawing that we did before we end our day. 

Happy Valentine’s day and Happy 6th Anniversary ~

 

Cinderella Story #1

After 8 years of survival, i realised i really can’t seems to accommodate. We all make scarifies and  tried our very best to stay together. but over time, the relationship continues to sour and i have to admit that i showered the hatred seed more then the one called love.

I was biased against her, i knew it. But being ill treated for all these years i thought i deserved better. But i decided to just remain status cold and pretended to be a happy soul because i didn’t want to invite trouble and as part of the daughter’s role, i show respect and because i love my dad (for all you know), i faked my happiness.

I came to a conclusion that is ok if i am not happy, because as long as the people around me is feeling good, no one will actually cares about how happy or sad i am. For all i know, i let the seed call hatred grow and now i call it a evil witch who grow fruits such as torture, suffers and pains. Self pity doesn’t quite work anymore, but thats fine, because i am moving out of it and letting those emotions contain and find an alternative to discard (such as bursting it at my own comfort zone or the typical Breakdown- whichever works).

Life didn’t get better for the pass 8 years with the evil witch, but it did taught me what kind of person she is and i shall watch up and not be someone like her. I did wake up to see how dark my world is and appreciate the pure and innocents.

If only we could turn back time, i will not let this happen again…

and may it be Ctr Alt Del from our life forever.